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Thursday 28 March 2019: Should I Stay, Or Should I Stay

On [DATE REDACTED FOR STUPIDITY REASONS], the UK will leave the EU. To be honest, the whole story scans like a partner threatening to leave, and the other relationship cohabitant going ‘fine, bye’, but then the first idiot turning around and saying ‘but I didn’t mean it …’ No. Your relationship is dead, whether you want it to be or not. Can’t put the cat back in the bag now, so just have to hang out with no Brexit deal. And a cat, which makes things infinitely better.

At current, there are around seven options for leaving the EU, although the specifics of these do not matter for this discussion. The basic, broad, intuitive ideas are as follows:

1. 1) We want to leave the overarching bureaucratic power that gives us all our trade with the rest of the world for a better deal than we’d get on our own in exchange for following a set of rules made by people who don’t completely have our best interest at heart.
2. 2) Rules! Are! Bad! Away with the rules! Down with the rules! (Also [CLASS OF PEOPLE REDACTED FOR POLITICAL CORRECTNESS REASONS], but quietly).
3. 3) We want to leave, but then have the same privileges we had before, even though we’ve left and are free of the [REDACTED].
4. 4) We want to … not … leave the EU and instead just parade around everybody within the ruling party – with each MP taking a turn at being leader while nothing gets done and nobody wins. Then, after we finish the Olympic-level round of musical chairs, we just admit we’ve been wasting everybody’s time.

So. The first option doesn’t consider the realities of leaving, or particularly care, and would lead to a Hard Brexit, which is a decent name for a sex tape. The second doesn’t even care about that, and is literally just about being as [REDACTED] as possible without seeming it. Side note: it is not possible to be [REDACTED] and not seem it. And the third is the basic argument for why people are stupid, in failing to consider that there must be Give and Take (both trademarked to the IMF) in international trade situations. Expecting all-give (as in, they give you) makes about as much sense as the last essay I wrote. Which is to say, this one.

Interestingly, there are no truly good, compromise arguments put forward. The EU has several trade-sharing structures like the Single Market (which affects the trade deals across the whole of Europe; rather than being, as I initially thought, a fancy name for Tinder), and the European Parliament, which is where the ‘rules’ the UK doesn’t want to ‘follow’ come from. So there may be a rescinding of the whole thing (there won’t), or a revote (hahahaha nice one), but basically it looks like leaving the EU means the UK will lose both the rules and the trade deals. Seems to be all in, or all out. No shake it all about option.

“Please stay, I can change …” Yes. Into a country with a [REDACTED] populace, no foreign trade and no foreign goodwill. Good luck.

… and good riddance?

Please?

I’m begging here.

And I don’t just mean to the three (3) Prime Ministers that have (dis?)-graced the world stage since the start of this whole mess. I mean the whole story. A man can dream, right? Like any good University, the EU(-niversity) has allowed deadline extensions from April to June; then October; and most recently, January 2020 – place your obligatory jokes about hindsight here – showing they not have the popcorn supplies to keep up with the mess as it continues to be presented in the news; but also the comic timing to keep encouraging it. Apparently, May resigned in June, which … is just sort of how time works? So I’m not sure why it got so much media coverage. Maybe that’s just me; after all, I live under a rock.

Let’s see the next thing the idiot circus comes up with.

I remain;
Your humble player of the desk bongos.